like mutations, but...not?

So I always feel like my monsters fall flat. Thought about it for a while and settled on the thought that I am usually seeking to identify everything around me - to learn the limits and such. This is anathema to mystery. Any sense of wonder is lost when my mental image of the thing is “well it’s a giant rabbit but purple and it hates humanoids” or whatever. Not useful in a real game. Same with so many monster manual entries: describe what it is but not what it does.

If you (like I did) were to dig into the archives of False Machine you can find some stuff on e-prime. A very inconvenient language, but particularly suited to monsters since their actions are what actually appear at the table.

Thus, a short list of interesting monster actions, harvested from what little could be found amongst various 3.5 MMs:

1. Despises (creature type)
2. Inherits parent’s knowledge
3. Assimilates knowledge
4. Psionically enslaves
5. Babbles madness
6. Levitates constantly
7. Cultivates fungal camouflage
8. Bathes rarely
9. Jams bracelets on wrists
10. Provokes fights for gems
11. Feeds on corpses of slain
12. Exacts tribute from weak
13. Declares own form ideal
14. Prefers to ambush
15. Attacks anythings edible
16. Lives as hermit
17. Melts others into goo
18. Hunts on ground and wing
19. Collects skulls
20. Unfurls to attack
21. Flies directly into faces
22. Discusses strategy before battle
23. Hangs from ceiling by muscular foot
24. Feeds by dissolving rock
25. Weighs >2 tons
26. Enjoys taking slaves
27. Emits carefully focused harmonics
28. Traps prey in ribcage
29. Has aura/tone that soothes
30. Has an aura/tone that enrages
31. Skids across liquid surfaces
32. Hides near aristocrats
33. Commands an army of tiny animal relatives
34. Wears a mask over missing face
35. Takes psychic commands via brain tentacle
36. Fortifies itself with embedded metal plates
37. Can command but has limited language
38. Warps wood to decorate
39. Attacks with four insectoid arms
40. Sprays a flammable acid
41. Causes nightmares within 1 mile
42. Can extend thin blades from forearms
43. Wades through the ocean
44. Creates mindless spawn resembling another creature
45. Sprays insanity-causing blood from own face
46. Holds arcane spells inscribed on its body
47. Stupifies with a touch
48. Flees own death as a sparkling mist
49. Particularly enjoys eating elves
50. Watches strangers even when in danger
51. Sustains itself by spreading corruption
52. Melds its body with a host to control it

I’ll add more as they appear